The Underpants Sniffer

(a serialized piece of fiction)

By Marvin The Masturbating Monkey

Joseph walked through the dormitory; it was 6 a.m. The students at the Institute of Higher Learning were already gone despite the darkness and bone chill of the hour. His master key gave Joseph access to all the rooms. He had shortly-cropped, bright red hair and an imposed gravity and sense of purpose on what would have otherwise been a happy disposition.

Only a year or two younger than the other boys, Joseph was being groomed by his father, Principal Wolfe, to take over the enterprise. Every morning Joseph made his rounds, while the students were at their first class, to sniff the previous day’s soiled underpants, searching for telltale signs of masturbation. At the Institute of Higher Learning self-gratification was the gravest offense and Wolfe - with his clipped, straight, steel-wool, thick, black beard - boded none of it. If a boy was wasting seed, he was given one opportunity at penance, and then expelled without recourse or appeal.

Students never knew how their sins had been discovered. They were simply confronted by father and son with the phrase, “You’ve been treacherous. Don’t deny it or try to lie to us. You’re best course of action is to embrace your punishment, and ensure you never do it again.” Punishment usually included ritual bathing in the freezing river, food or sleep deprivation and a round of caning. After the boy left the office, shaking and deeply embarrassed, they dissected the encounter, with Wolfe teaching young Joseph in the ways of the family business, “Because deep inside all these boys want to be good. Sometimes they need a little correction. An untended garden sprouts weeds.”

Certain of their righteousness, Wolfe and his young son Joseph had no qualms about their actions. They plodded forward with the determination of draft horses. All day they taught the law, with appropriate breaks for worship. At night they studied mysticism. And every morning Joseph sniffed the underpants to make sure no one was masturbating.

Some students were above reproach and their undergarments, sheets, and pajamas were quickly given a once-over. But others, whose behaviors were lacking in other areas, had their bedding carefully examined for the indicative smells which would cause Joseph to cry out, “Ah hah!”

Mostly destitute and owning few changes of clothes, the boys wore their underpants and other garments many times before changing. But Joseph didn’t mind his task. The odors filled his delicate spirit with happiness. Armpit stink, back sweat, foot odor, even fecal matter smelled sweet to Joseph. It wasn’t the smells themselves that excited Joseph, rather it was the knowledge that student so-and-so was religiously pure; though if a pair of panties was found to be excessively poop-stained, Joseph called the student in for a consultation, known as an “individual.” He never disclosed the reason for the meeting. Joseph and the offending student discussed the general concept of being in charge of all of one’s functions, the upper ones and the lower ones, and how in truth one was forbidden from praying or studying if in any state of incontinence. Such insight contributed to the mythological-proportion-talents of young Joseph and all agreed that one day he would make a great replacement for his father, the legendary Wolfe.

It was a Monday morning in October. On the streets the city slowly awoke to a snow storm. Inside the dormitory Joseph made his rounds. Of late, Itzik had been displaying a newfound attitude and Wolfe had instructed Joseph to be thorough with his hamper. Joseph unlocked Itzik’s door and stepped into the room. Even without sniffing Joseph sensed himself in the presence of ungodliness. The previous night’s candle had burned out, wax dripping all over the crude wood table, but Itzik had not had the uplifted spirit of one who spent the night lamenting the destruction of Jerusalem. More likely, Itzik had come into possession of some book of the Enlightenment and had spent his night poring over Spinoza or other heresy. This would be a wonderful find. Joseph could already feel the joy of being able to report back to his father with a catch of such magnitude, though Wolfe had long inculcated into him that there was nothing joyful about catching a student sinning. That it was not a good day when a student had to be turned out. This doomed their soul to limitless debasement. On the other hand the integrity of the student body at large had to be maintained.

(To Be Continued In The Next Issue)