How To Slack At Work With Success

By Leeto

I have a real job at a real company. My official title is “Billing Analyst” and I work at a huge Telecom corporation which pays me pretty well. But in this fast-paced corporate world, it’s hard to find time for yourself. I’d like to introduce you to my corporate world and maybe, if you’re lucky, you can implement some of my tips to fit more “me time” into your daily schedule.[1]

Getting to work on time is very important. It shows management that you’re reliable: a good employee always shows up on time. I usually get in at 8:25am every morning; start time is 8:30. By showing up on time or early you keep your manager from bothering you. When you show up late, on the other hand, they tend to stroll by and inquire why you were late, tossing in a task for you before strolling away. Punctuality is a good thing.

When you go to your cube in the morning and turn on your computer, it is customary to check your work email. On average I get 10 emails per week.[2] Yes, I said per week! So you see how important I am to the company. After 60 seconds of checking my email it’s time for a little “me time”. So at around 8:26, I walk around and shoot the shit with co-workers about sporting events, the weather, plans for the weekend, and so on. This kills about 15 to 20 minutes, which is a nice way to start the day. Then, I go back to my cube and eat a little breakfast. This helps to deter anyone from asking questions. Usually, you get the “Oh-I-see-you’re-eating-I’ll-come-back-later” response, which is good, because they usually don’t.

After a bite to eat, it’s time to check all my personal accounts on-line. These accounts would be 5 Fantasy Baseball leagues, 1 Fantasy Golf, 1 Fantasy NASCAR (doing it as a joke, as I know very little about the “sport”), banking account, 2 email accounts, recent transactions on my 2 credit cards, and, of course, my MySpace account. I recommend that you participate in as many fantasy leagues as possible and use your work time to voice your opinion or chat with other slackers on message boards. In total, this takes me to 9:45. Now it’s time to get some “work” done.

I open my database, enter in a few numbers, run a query, and wait 5 to 10 minutes for it to stop. I stare out the window during this time. I have a nice view of Lake Michigan and Navy Pier. Plus, there is an athletic club across the street where I spy on people sunbathing and swimming on the roof. I guess that makes me a peeping-tom or something. Oh yeah, the work!

When it finishes and everything looks good, I save it. By then I’m exhausted and need a break. This is a good time to fetch a snack, some water or other refreshments. It also eats up about 15 to 20 minutes.

Back to work. By taking the results of the query and inserting a pivot table or breaking the data down for more detail, it makes it look like you’re working hard. I usually do this for about 30 minutes. It’s good every once in a while to softly yell out, “What the heck?”[3] By sounding frustrated, co-workers really think you’re crunching those numbers hard. Some days, you’ll be lucky enough to have a manager walk by. They’ll give you the “Is everything ok?” With a frustrated look on your face, say “Yeah, it’s just this thing is driving me nuts. I think I have it figured out now.” This shows that you’re doing something that is difficult, but are smart enough to figure it on your own. Feel free to use this sporadically throughout the day. As a caution though, overusing this could just make you look dumb. Limit it to every other day.

This takes us to 11. Now it’s time for some more “me time” and that means surfing the ‘net….to the EXTREME!!!!

(Caution: When surfing, be sure and keep something work-related open on your screen. It’s wise to keep that maximized while having the internet window shrunken, so if a pesky co-worker or manager comes by you can quickly click the maximized work item, thus hiding the Internet window. Hey look, you were working the whole time!)

I find that sports message boards are a good place to kill some time while getting a national perspective on some issues. If you’re not into sports, finding websites with videos on them is necessary: www.cnn.com, www.youtube.com or http://www.movies.yahoo.com/ are great sources for that.[4] This activity should be done until lunch. I take mine at 12:30. Ah yes, time to relax.

I have set up a deal with my manager to take a 30-minute lunch to leave 30 minutes early. This works out nicely.

Back from lunch, and after a quick check of the work email, what do you do now? Well, now is when I like to catch up on local news, once again with the work-related screen in the background. I personally enjoy the Chicago Sun-Times website to read about the local sports teams and anything else going on in the Chicago-land area. The Sun-Times also offers crossword puzzles. I’ve become quite good at them, so they usually only take 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the day. All in all, the post-lunch read takes me up to 2:00.

(Note: For those who didn’t get their crossword puzzle itch satisfied, the New York Post offers a great one as well.)

Now it’s time to get back to the grind. I rerun the query I ran earlier in the day so it updates the data to current time. 5 to 10 minutes later I make sure it’s looking good. After that stress, it’s back to a break.

By now you’ve probably entered into a “food coma”. The symptoms include heavy eyelids and reclining far back in your chair. What I recommend, depending on where you sit, is to get a little shut eye. Make sure a work-related screen is on your computer for this. Then rest your head in your hand and angle your body away from traffic. I usually take a 10 to 15 minute meditation period. I’m not actually sleeping, but my eyes are closed and my brain is off. Don’t worry, you should be able to hear anyone approaching and by opening your eyes just in time, it will look like you’re trying to figure something out. That also explains why you’re sitting in a relaxed position without your mouse or keyboard in hand.

(If you do get caught with your eyes closed though, well, you may be screwed. You can always lie and say you’re feeling ill or praying or something. That will work the first few times, at least.)

Now that you’re somewhat regenerated, it’s time to get back to the web. I find that if you have a light workload in the afternoon, it’s best to get to it half way between lunch and when you leave. Time seems to go faster that way.

After reading numerous articles, I do my final piece of work around 3:00. I could probably do it in 10 minutes, but I like to drag it out for about 45 minutes. How do I do so? It’s easy! After each step of the task I complete, I reward myself by reading an article. With that done, and after an extended bathroom break, it’s time for the stretch run: the final hour of the work day.

I personally enjoy listening to the radio during this time and playing free cell. This passes the time quickly. With 30 minutes to go, I check the work email once more and close that window for good. Then, it’s another quick check over the fantasy teams, making sure I didn’t error in my earlier trades or acquisitions. This leads up to 4:45, or, as I like to call it, “go time”.

I begin to save and close everything I worked on. One last check of the personal emails, then it’s time to shut this bitch down!

I leave at exactly 4:57 everyday to beat the 5:00 rush leaving the building. Unless you want the elevator to stop on every floor on the way down, I’m telling you, leave 3 minutes early. It’s worth it.

Well that’s it. Hope you can apply some of my tips to your daily routine. Some of you may be saying, “This guy just doesn’t have anything to do. Management will give him more work eventually.” My reply is that they’ve tried, and succeeded on only 1 of 3 occasions. The other two, I believed they wanted me to do a bullshit project, so I just didn’t do it. Neither of the two projects was ever mentioned to me again.[5]

Yes, I do have my busy days. But counting those, I still only average a solid 35 hours of actual work a month. Some may say I’m a bad employee. But hell, I get my work done and generate over $1 million a month in revenue. I’m not a bad employee, I just have no motivation. There’s a difference.

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Other recommendations to help you get through the work day:

1. Checking personal email every half hour is a smart decision.

2. Sending mass emails about certain events or opinions is a good way to guarantee responses from friends. And who doesn’t like getting emails from friends?

3. Making random spread sheets that have nothing to do with work makes you look busy.

4. Numerous bathroom breaks are a nice way to stretch your legs. I hear that taking dumps are a good way to kill some time, but I only shit at work every once in a while. I’m not a big fan of pooing in public places. Although it is a great feeling knowing you’re getting paid to shit.

5. Writing articles for online magazines is a way to pass the time. On the down side, it also makes you realize how worthless your life truly is.

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[1]

Note: “Me time” does not necessarily mean “masturbation time”, although that is certainly an advisable option.
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[2]

In case you’re reading this in the past, “email” is an abbreviation for “electronic mail”, a method of transporting menial observations and the latest popular culture gossip to a friend and/or co-worker via the Internet. This device was created by Al Gore, who was left unsatisfied after reading through his weekly heap of tabloids.
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[3]

Use casual profanities, obscene threats, and ritualistic virginal sacrifices at your own discretion.
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[4]

Internet Lesson #12: If a link has NSFW on it, it means that the link will take you somewhere that is Not Safe For Work. This means pornography, and is a good way to get that dick of a co-worker fired.
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[5]

As I type this, I have actually done no “real” work in about three weeks. I have repeatedly asked for some and get an, “Ok, I’ll get something to you.” with no follow-up work. I have no idea why I am employed here but as long as the checks keep coming, my mouth is staying shut.
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