Horror-Scopes

By Mistress Coitus

Aquarius
January 20th – February 18th
During our freshman year at UCONN, we had a friend named Eliza who was a crazy whore. We never passed up an opportunity to torture her, often referring to her as a “Deaf Bitch” behind her back. (She wore hearing aids.) Once we weren’t friends with her anymore, we started calling her that to her face, but it didn’t matter, she couldn’t hear shit.

This Month: Call any cripple person a handi-ass just to watch them cry. Then for extra points, urinate on them.

Pisces
February 19th –March 20th
We all used to play jokes on each other in the dorms. It was the only way to effectively pass the time. What were we going to do, study? We did the usual; cover each other’s doors with toilet paper, maxi pads and peanut butter, but after a while it got boring. So one night my friends, Eileen and Lauren, and I decided to spice it up a bit. We decided to play a joke on our then friend, Eliza.

This Month: Kill your neighbor’s dog and see how hard he laughs. If he doesn’t, tell him you were only joking, then watch his face when you say “Not!”

Aries
March 21st – April 19th
The plan was to wake Eliza up in the middle of the night by use of her alarm clock and pretend someone was at the door. We didn’t really know what we were going to do beyond that, but we relied on improvisation to lead our way.

This Month: Improvise sex with an animal while sitting for your parole review. Laugh maniacally as they send your ass back to jail, where you can happily return to eating your own dung.

Taurus
April 20th – May 20th
Eliza was roommates with Erin. They had both started off the year living in a different dorm with lame roommates. Since our dorm was the coolest, they wanted in. They ditched their dorky roommates and moved in together down the hall from us. It was working out nicely for a while, but when Erin started spending more time in her boyfriend’s room downstairs, Eliza got a little jealous.

This Month: Find a healthy way to channel your jealously towards the pretty, skinny girl in the office by throwing acid in her face.

Gemini
May 21st – June 21st
The night our practical joke took place was shortly before the holidays. Eliza, being Jewish, had decorated her room accordingly. Instead of a cheap-ass Christmas tree that the Christians had in their rooms, she had a menorah, that when plugged in, lit up like fireflies.

This Month: Come to terms with the fact that you need a nose job.

Cancer
June 22nd – July 22nd
It was late at night and most of the other dorm inhabitants were sleeping. We crept around the corner and headed towards Eliza’s room. Since all of us left our doors unlocked, it was no problem gaining access.

This Month: Since she left her house unlocked, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for entering, raping and robbing her, even if she was your Mom.

Leo
July 23rd – August 22nd
As soon as we walked in, we saw the menorah, lit up and glowing, and thought, “Oh shit! We totally gotta use this!” We unplugged it, took it into the hall, plugged it in and positioned it in front of her door. She and Erin had bunk beds with Eliza sleeping on the bottom. Since she was hearing impaired, her alarm clock had an extension that placed under her pillow. It vibrated and that was how she woke up. We set her alarm to go off in 5 minutes, climbed on the top bunk and waited.

This Month: Washing you face with your own urine, which can lead to clear skin, will also impair your hearing.

Virgo
August 23rd – September 22nd
The alarm went off with some vibrations and, as she roused, we knocked on the wall. She moved around some more and we knocked again, louder. She finally got up and went to the door, opened it, stood there wobbling, still half asleep. After a few beats, with us holding our breaths, she walked into the hallway and went to the bathroom. Clearly she saw the menorah, we thought, but we didn’t stick around to find out. We got up, snuck up to the door and ran our asses off to the nearest stairwell laughing all the way. After that we were all tuckered out so we went to sleep with sugar plums dancing in our heads.

This Month: Try to avoid having your boss catch you masturbating at your desk by placing a large Menorah there to obstruct his view of your cube.

Libra
September 23rd – October 22nd
The next morning our friend Erin came to our room. “Did you guys play a joke on Eliza last night?” she said.

“Yes.” we responded.

“Well she was pretty pissed off and wouldn’t talk to me.”

“She probably thought you had something to do with it. What a deaf bitch.”

This Month: If any of your friends give you the cold shoulder remind them who’s boss by kidnapping their drug dealer.

Scorpio
October 23rd – November 21st
Later that morning Erin went back to her room to get ready for class. When she reached into her underwear drawer she saw that it was empty. Confused, she asked Eliza what was going on. Eliza told her that in retaliation for her participation in our little joke, she confiscated all her underwear and bras and threw them out. Erin was shocked. Not only did she have nothing to do with this little fiasco, but she now had to go to class with no cooch coverage.

This Month: If your pussy is extremely putrid and stanky, skip the underwear and air that shit out.

Sagittarius
November 22nd – December 21st
In the end, Erin made Eliza pay her back for her discarded undies. But being a Jew, Eliza was a cheap ass and didn’t give her what her undergarments where worth. She also thought that the menorah was a deliberate anti-Semitic move on our part and we were demoralizing “her people”. What a crock of shit. The menorah was not anti-Semitism; the ritualistic rape of the local Jew boy in our cafeteria WITH a menorah, maybe, but waking her ass up to a lit up piece of plastic, definitely not.

This Month: Commit a hate crime and feign ignorance as your excuse.

Capricorn
December 22nd – January 19th
That was the beginning of the end with our friendship with Eliza. After that, she resorted to trying to hook up with our boyfriends by acting drunk, dumping beer on us at semi-formals in “jest”, and falling victim to epileptic fits of alcoholism forcing us to call an ambulance for her. She was becoming a liability and couldn’t take a joke. Fuck her.

This Month: To effectively get rid of an annoying friend, get her really hopped up on pills and “pass out” while she OD’s.