Cheating For Dummies

By Tara Rubano

Cheating has gotten a bad rap lately. Probably because some idiots can’t do it properly and don’t adhere to a few simple rules. It’s not quantum physics; it’s just basic common sense, which clearly you’re lacking if you’re cheating. But like my Grand-pappy always said, “If you’re gonna do something, you better learn how to do it right.” Of course he was talking about skinning Indians[1] but the same philosophy applies here.

If you don’t like your current beau anymore and aren’t ready or willing to effectively deal with it, try passing the dull, listless hours of pretending to be committed to someone you’d rather piss on by fucking a random person, a semi-friend, a roommate or your Mom. With these few simple tips you’ll be cheating in style with not a fingerprint out of place.

Tip #1: Upgrade
The whole point of cheating is to be with someone who is not only different from your significant other (hereafter referred to as SO), but more importantly, better. Don’t pull a Bill Clinton/Hugh Grant and fuck a buck-toothed troll/tranny hooker. What’s the point? You might as well masturbate to bestiality videos; at least you’ll have better street cred that way. It’s also not worth the risk of getting caught out by your SO. In fact it’s quiet insulting to them. If my boyfriend were to bang another chick, she better be hot enough that even I’d want to do her. I can understand now why Hillary keeps Bill’s dick in a jar: He fucks ugly bitches. Imagine how that makes her feel?

Not worth getting caught for:



Tip #2: Don’t Shit Where You Eat
Cats don’t do it so why should you? If you’re going to screw around, make sure that your SO doesn’t know them. If you fuck the SO’s best friend, cousin, roommate, sibling, boss or parent, you are an unoriginal bastard. Go outside your circle of friends on this one. There is plenty of pussy/penis out there for you to explore. Branch out and try a new flavor[2].

Another down side to shitting where you eat is guilt. The “other” person might start to feel bad for fucking over the SO and in an effort to purge themselves of this undesired, hideous feeling, they will confess their sins. You’re fucked here and no amount of lying will help.

Tip #3: Shut The Fuck Up
It’s hard to keep your mouth shut, but you have to in this situation. You never know who is a blabbermouth and who isn’t, so it’s best to stay mum. I know you want to share your news of the hot sluts who sucked your cock or that fine piece of Latin meat you had up your ass, but seriously, shut the hell up. It will somehow find its way back to your SO’s ears in the most random of connections and you will be left wondering who double-crossed you. You might never know, and it’s your fault anyway, Chatty Cathy.

Tip #4: Cover Your Ass
Here is where most people get caught. They don’t pull a reverse C.S.I and stupidly leave crucial evidence out in the open. Common examples are: leaving directions to a whore’s house for a rendezvous fuck-fest in their car, smelling like sex, lipstick stains on their face or clothes, random bar matches in their jacket, numerous text messages to and from a mysterious “C”, leaving their email open, etc. The bottom line is: get rid of the evidence. Wash your fucking hands after finger-banging, take a shower after sex, delete emails, VM’s, text messages, clean up your room, house, car, scrub glasses that the “other” used, and so on. Get a fucking forensics expert on your side to help you sweep the area. Just do what you gotta do to perpetuate that you were “working late” or “having drinks with your friends”.

Tip #5: Stay Indoors
There was a Sex And The City episode where Carrie’s friend tells her about this girl he is dating who he likes, but knows he won’t ultimately end up with. Following that logic he tells Carrie that he takes his secret fuck-buddy out to eat at random, out-of-the-way places where none of his friends would ever go to. Carrie initially laughs, but shuts up when, on a date with Mr. Big - who is notoriously mysterious - she sees her friend at the same restaurant. “Does Mr. Big feel that way about me? Am I a secret because he knows it isn’t going anywhere?” Who gives a fuck, but what you should take from this S.A.T.S synopsis is: either stay indoors with the “other”, or drive 45 minutes to a hole-in-the-wall shit-shack to stay incognito.

These five tips should be all you need to successfully cheat on your SO without losing genitals, but if you suspect otherwise and don’t want blood on your hands (Mary Jo Buttafuoco) then here are some bonuses:

Bonus Tip#1: Keep Fucking
Another way to announce “I am fucking someone else!” to your SO is to stop fucking them. If you don’t want them to know, keep it up and keep it wet. If you have to resort to drugs, booze or gay-porn to increase your interest in your wet-blanket of a lover, do it.

Bonus Tip #2: Don’t Be Famous
If the paparazzi follows your every bowel movement, chances are they will snap a photo of you cheating. You have no choice but to deal with the hand you’ve been dealt, and either stay in the dead relationship or do the honorable thing and end it. The upside to fame is that if you DO want out but are too big of a pussy to open your mouth, wait for it to appear in US Weekly and it’ll just take care of itself.


He stuck his pee-pee in her.

Regarding letting other people deal with your shit: If you want out but can’t face the music, just do the exact opposite of the above tips. Will little effort on your part, your SO will find out about your straying ways and end the relationship for you. It’s a win-win situation. Unless your SO forgives you. In that case, your only option is to kill them. Unless you’re stupid like Scott Peterson and get caught, but clearly he didn’t read my article Killing Your Spouse For Dummies. What a twat.


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[1]

Ironically enough, Rubano is Navaho for “scalping fetish”.
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[2]

Did you know that when Ani DiFranco claims she is “thirty-two flavors and then some”, fourteen of those flavors are men’s ejaculate, depending on what they ate for lunch?
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