The Almighty Fucktards
Who Have Honored Us All With Their Uniquely Artistic, Yet Highly Douchetic, Presence In This Issue
If you ever want to know about the ghetto, or specifically Compton, don’t ask Talib Burrell. That boy is whiter than my yeast infection.
Vadim Bystritski defected to the US from Russia when it was discovered by Gorbachev that he was selling secrets. Had Gorbachev not been drunk 95% of the time, he would have realized that the secrets were not nude pictures of ol’ blotchy with underage male prostitutes as suspected, but rather how to get pesky tomato stains off your Tupperware and other household remedies for the messy, whorish, slutty housewife.
Eric Caselton once asked his mom to tell him about the birds and the bees. She went into an explanation using coy phrases like “garden-hose”, “snake in the grass” and “pink flower”. Eric was pretty sure he understood how it worked, but when he ended up with thorns in his penis he decided to ask his dad instead.
When submitting his article, Brandon D. Christopher, stipulated that the “D” must be retained in his name. This was because he didn’t want to be associated with the other Brandon Christophers on the net, namely the gay one with boy-toy pictures of his cock-a-doodle-do. Our Brandon D. does, in fact, have pictures of his wee-wee on the net, but they are in The Guinness Book of World Records for the category “Smallest Wang, non-Asian”.
Matt Ferretti once told his ex-wife that she was “letting herself go”. She retaliated by cutting off his penis in the middle of the night like Lorena Bobbitt, which worked out nicely since he’s wanted a sex change for years. He decided he will use the money he saved for breasts the size of midgets.
Terri Kauffman likes the sexual ambiguity of her name because it alleviates pick-up emails and messages on MySpace from dirty old men who just want to stick their dingle in her berries. However, she has been unable to get laid for quiet some time and has begun to wonder if the positives outweigh the negatives.
While out food shopping, a little girl asked Leeto to help her reach a box of Raisin Bran™ for her mother. Steve took one look at the little girl, pulled out his penis and urinated on her face. The little girl was in shock because that was exactly what she wanted all along. The two fell in love and settled down on a Ranch in Nebraska, reenacting their first meeting for any passerby with two spare dimes.
Marvin The Masturbating Math Monkey is a pussy, hence the alias and bloody vagina.
If you ever see Willy Nast at the Doctor’s office, assume he’s gotten those darn crabs again. That, or he’s finally ready to deal with the fact that he has man-boobs that make his girlfriend jealous.
Gary Oldroyd often dresses up as Hitler and goes to the Jewish Community Center to pick up old ladies with a secret fetish for Das Fuhrer’s cock. Surprisingly, this hobby isn’t included in the general interests section of his resume.
Rick Paulas usually masturbates with Jell-O™. But one day he ran out. So off to the corner market he went, where he discovered they were out of his beloved Jell-O. “What to do?” he pondered. He scoured the dessert aisle for other options, but none struck his fancy. He was about to leave the store in defeat, resorting to his ol’ trusty standby of 12-year-old Philippino boys instead, when something caught his eye: Applesauce. Bingo! He bought 12 jars and dashed home to try it out. But in his jubilation, he forgot to read the warning labels of the jars closely. Note to anyone out there considering applesauce as a lubricant: cinnamon burns like a mother-fucker.
J.B. Pravda sometimes sticks his finger up his ass to see how clean he is. Usually his bum smells of vinegar and lemons on account of his daily anal douches, but sometimes, just sometimes, it smells like turkey. And he can never figure out why.
Tara Rubano used to stick midgets up her twat. Not for the pleasure of them tickling her g-spot, but to stretch out her birthing canal for the eventual spitting out of newborns. But as fate would have it, she found out she was sterile. The midgets, being emotionally painful for her to handle, had to be replaced with dwarfs. Life can be cruel sometimes.
Justin Shay often goes poopy the Indian-way. Why? Cause it doesn’t flare up his scorching ‘roids. That’s what an abundance of anal sex will do to you, faggot.
While taking the long road home this summer, Daniel Staib met the woman of his dreams. She had long brown hair, a full bosom and could knit him a hat in under 45 minutes. But one day, while spending a long lingering afternoon feeding each other grapes, he realized she was not the one for him. It wasn’t that she didn’t make him happy, but in reality she made him too happy, meaning she made him feel gay. With his manhood in question, he started to consciously see less and less of her, trying to “wind down” the relationship with the hopes of one day finding within himself the strength to break up with her cleanly. But she would have none of it and confronted him one day. When Dan told her that she made him feel gay, she laughed at the irony. “Well, you are gay.” she told Dan. “You didn’t think God made this vagina, did you? My ex-wife did!” At first, Dan was hesitant to take Matt-lene back, but Dan found that its tough to stay angry at someone with breasts the size of midgets. The two of them moved to a ranch in Nebraska next to a man and his daughter (who always seems to have wet, stinky hair) and lived happily ever after.
Or did they?
Yes, they did.
Love like herpes, finds a way.
If you ever want to know about the ghetto, or specifically Compton, don’t ask Talib Burrell. That boy is whiter than my yeast infection.
Vadim Bystritski defected to the US from Russia when it was discovered by Gorbachev that he was selling secrets. Had Gorbachev not been drunk 95% of the time, he would have realized that the secrets were not nude pictures of ol’ blotchy with underage male prostitutes as suspected, but rather how to get pesky tomato stains off your Tupperware and other household remedies for the messy, whorish, slutty housewife.
Eric Caselton once asked his mom to tell him about the birds and the bees. She went into an explanation using coy phrases like “garden-hose”, “snake in the grass” and “pink flower”. Eric was pretty sure he understood how it worked, but when he ended up with thorns in his penis he decided to ask his dad instead.
When submitting his article, Brandon D. Christopher, stipulated that the “D” must be retained in his name. This was because he didn’t want to be associated with the other Brandon Christophers on the net, namely the gay one with boy-toy pictures of his cock-a-doodle-do. Our Brandon D. does, in fact, have pictures of his wee-wee on the net, but they are in The Guinness Book of World Records for the category “Smallest Wang, non-Asian”.
Matt Ferretti once told his ex-wife that she was “letting herself go”. She retaliated by cutting off his penis in the middle of the night like Lorena Bobbitt, which worked out nicely since he’s wanted a sex change for years. He decided he will use the money he saved for breasts the size of midgets.
Terri Kauffman likes the sexual ambiguity of her name because it alleviates pick-up emails and messages on MySpace from dirty old men who just want to stick their dingle in her berries. However, she has been unable to get laid for quiet some time and has begun to wonder if the positives outweigh the negatives.
While out food shopping, a little girl asked Leeto to help her reach a box of Raisin Bran™ for her mother. Steve took one look at the little girl, pulled out his penis and urinated on her face. The little girl was in shock because that was exactly what she wanted all along. The two fell in love and settled down on a Ranch in Nebraska, reenacting their first meeting for any passerby with two spare dimes.
Marvin The Masturbating Math Monkey is a pussy, hence the alias and bloody vagina.
If you ever see Willy Nast at the Doctor’s office, assume he’s gotten those darn crabs again. That, or he’s finally ready to deal with the fact that he has man-boobs that make his girlfriend jealous.
Gary Oldroyd often dresses up as Hitler and goes to the Jewish Community Center to pick up old ladies with a secret fetish for Das Fuhrer’s cock. Surprisingly, this hobby isn’t included in the general interests section of his resume.
Rick Paulas usually masturbates with Jell-O™. But one day he ran out. So off to the corner market he went, where he discovered they were out of his beloved Jell-O. “What to do?” he pondered. He scoured the dessert aisle for other options, but none struck his fancy. He was about to leave the store in defeat, resorting to his ol’ trusty standby of 12-year-old Philippino boys instead, when something caught his eye: Applesauce. Bingo! He bought 12 jars and dashed home to try it out. But in his jubilation, he forgot to read the warning labels of the jars closely. Note to anyone out there considering applesauce as a lubricant: cinnamon burns like a mother-fucker.
J.B. Pravda sometimes sticks his finger up his ass to see how clean he is. Usually his bum smells of vinegar and lemons on account of his daily anal douches, but sometimes, just sometimes, it smells like turkey. And he can never figure out why.
Tara Rubano used to stick midgets up her twat. Not for the pleasure of them tickling her g-spot, but to stretch out her birthing canal for the eventual spitting out of newborns. But as fate would have it, she found out she was sterile. The midgets, being emotionally painful for her to handle, had to be replaced with dwarfs. Life can be cruel sometimes.
Justin Shay often goes poopy the Indian-way. Why? Cause it doesn’t flare up his scorching ‘roids. That’s what an abundance of anal sex will do to you, faggot.
While taking the long road home this summer, Daniel Staib met the woman of his dreams. She had long brown hair, a full bosom and could knit him a hat in under 45 minutes. But one day, while spending a long lingering afternoon feeding each other grapes, he realized she was not the one for him. It wasn’t that she didn’t make him happy, but in reality she made him too happy, meaning she made him feel gay. With his manhood in question, he started to consciously see less and less of her, trying to “wind down” the relationship with the hopes of one day finding within himself the strength to break up with her cleanly. But she would have none of it and confronted him one day. When Dan told her that she made him feel gay, she laughed at the irony. “Well, you are gay.” she told Dan. “You didn’t think God made this vagina, did you? My ex-wife did!” At first, Dan was hesitant to take Matt-lene back, but Dan found that its tough to stay angry at someone with breasts the size of midgets. The two of them moved to a ranch in Nebraska next to a man and his daughter (who always seems to have wet, stinky hair) and lived happily ever after.
Or did they?
Yes, they did.
Love like herpes, finds a way.
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